Mr. Personality

Everyone appreciates a good sense of humor, sharp wit, or even some admirable but failed attempts at being funny (sorry Mare). But some people are just not blessed with such social graces, and for Christ's sake, shouldn't attempt to be something they are not. These people often include Civil War historians, Dungeons and Dragons enthusiasts, accountants (except for me, of course), and most definitely our waiter from Saturday night. Our first interaction went something like this:

Waiter: What's poppin'? Can I get you guys something to suck on?
Paul: Coffee and a water
Waiter: Sure thing Captain
Me: Margarita on the rocks
Waiter: No doubt!
Jeremy: Miller Lite
Waiter: You got it Champ!

As he scurried away in his cloud of douche-baggery, we all stared, dumbfounded at each other. I understand his job requires human interaction, but this was a reputable restaurant. Can't one of his co-workers please stop laughing at him long enough to give him a little friendly advice?

"Suck on"? Who says that to a predominately male table without expecting to get a straight fork to the eye? And "no doubt"? No, there is no doubt, that's what I want to drink…that's why I ordered it. Captain? Champ? Unless our food is being delivered by one of the electronic puppets from Pirates of the Caribbean, there are hundreds of more acceptable pronouns to use with perfect strangers. I am not your frat buddy, I am not your eight year old cousin, I am a paying customer trying to enjoy my Saturday night, so save the recycled one-liners for someone who will pretend to care.

Now if this was some tactic he picked up in a Marriott ballroom seminar entitled "Higher Tabs Equal Higher Tips" as a method to increase alcohol sales, then I commend you Captain Catch Phrase. Because it took a minimum of two top-shelf margaritas to take the edge off your borrowed personality.

Perhaps I am being too harsh. Perhaps I am just accustomed to being surrounded by intelligent, interesting and entertaining people. And perhaps by your late twenties, living in a highly critical town where nothing less than perfection is acceptable, you would have learned to be witty, be profound, or shut the fuck up.