Why 2 for 1 Marketing Won't Work on Me

Can someone please explain to me men and their obsession with threesomes? Honestly, I fail to see the appeal in them whatsoever. You are only one man, and only have one penis, so it seems that two women would mathematically be one too many.

Having a threesome would be like trying to play tetherball with three players. There are really only two possible outcomes. Either you play one on one, while someone waits their turn. Or you play one on two, and the doubles team has to jockey with each other to get a chance to whack the ball a little. Do we really need to revisit the playground cat fights that we intentionally left in middle-school?

Now I usually try not to form an opinion on something unless I have had first hand experience, but I have yet to hear a convincing argument. It would appear that the only appeal of the threesome is bragging rights for the male, because as I stated earlier, you only have one penis and I have honestly never heard a “positive” threesome experience told from a woman’s point of view. If bragging rights are really the only motivator, then can’t you just go back to revving your engine at stop lights, talking smack to men half your size, and crushing cans of Miller High Life on your forehead?

Highly unlikely…I know. But if I can save just one man from this vicious fascination, then the world will be a better place.

Hi, my name is...

In my experience, people who have to define themselves usually do a piss poor job at it. Let me give you an example.

The “Original” Matt D. First of all, the word original implies being the first at something, and I highly doubt you were the first halfwit graced with such a unique name. Second, if you have to explicitly state that you are original, you clearly have not done a very good job at standing out from the crowd. If someone says “Hey, you know Matt D?” and the response is something like “Matt D who?”, adding the additional description “you know, the Original Matt D” not only is a contradiction in terms, but makes you and whomever speaks it incur a 50 IQ point penalty. No arguing, you have now made yourself and your acquaintances drop a few levels in the intellectual food chain.

And to be fair, the same applies for females. Like Miss J “The sweetest girl”. If you have to start your own campaign and spam me with propaganda about how you are so damn sweet, you obviously are trying to hedge some equally negative impressions of you that might be floating around. Stop trying to be the Associated Press and let people gather the facts, and make their own assessment of what kind of person you are. Anyone (at least anyone who matters) will do so anyways, and you are only shooting yourself in the foot with such shameless self promotion.

A douche bag by any other name is still a douche bag, so stop misrepresenting yourself and actually act like a person worth of remembering.

Can't Spend Money Fast Enough

So, the holidays kinda snuck up on me this year, and I came to the conclusion that the only way I was going to successfully Christmas shop, was to do some research online before attempting the mall. So one lovely Tuesday morning, I took a break from bean counting and stumbled across this little gem:

I had to include the screen shot because I have really never seen anything like it. On one hand I was furious. The online store has met its capacity? I’m sorry, but is there some sort of fire hazard? Are women and children in danger of being trampled while customers fight for the last Tickle Me Elmo? I didn’t even intend to use the purchase functionalities of the site, I just wanted to look around! I thought the whole purpose of the online store was to eliminate the lines and crowds, and now I have to wait in a virtual line because the online store is too crowded? Blasphemy.

On the other hand, I can’t help but notice what a glaring example this is of our nation’s love affair with “excess”. It’s not like Macy’s is some small local boutique running their website on Windows 95. I’m relatively confident that this Federated giant operates their virtual marketplace from a sophisticated software platform, specifically designed to handle such high traffic. In fact, they probably invested millions to establish this direct feed from Joe Homebody’s wallet to their bottom line…via the World Wide Web, of course. If Macy’s can’t anticipate such excessive spending, then by golly no one can. The 2007 Holiday Shopper (HS2007) wants to be able to browse and spend with reckless abandon. HS2007 needs to be able to order a holiday gift for every one of their Outlook contacts from their Blackberry, while sitting at home watching reruns of the Hills. Is this because HS2007 is a generous and giving person? Because they get caught up in the Christmas spirit? No. It’s just a Hallmark excuse to enable our nation’s addiction to spending money.

So am I opposed to celebrating the holidays by giving gifts to those you like and love? No. I’m probably just whining because it’s December 19th and I haven’t bought a single gift. This rant really should have been about my own procrastination, but I find it much more entertaining to take on large socioeconomic issues instead of focusing on little ol’ me : )

Happy Spending!