Perfect Defined

Perfect is an oxymoron.

The concept of perfection is relative and varies greatly in the eye of the beholder. What one person considers "perfect" could very well be someone else's trainwreck. By achieving one person's definition of perfect, you simultaneously exclude yourself from someone else's definition of perfect. So by achieving perfection, you are not perfect. Sweet.

I guess the moral of this story is don't try and be perfect or you will end up defining a few other Anglo words...spontaneous combustion.

Nice Guys Finish Last?

Not really, they aren't even in the race. An insightful friend of mine made the satirical observation that the women in this town don't want a nice guy, they want the douche bag that is going to treat them badly. In turn, the nice guys that surround them are either overlooked, or banished to the friend zone. All very sad, but very true statements. However, there is a missing piece of information, a link that explains why this social phenomenon exists. Most rational people would have a hard time understanding why quality girls would jump through hoops of fire to try and be with the scum of Scottsdale. The answer is simple. It's for the very reason people go to the circus to watch people jump through literal hoops of fire. It's a remarkable feat, daring, scaring, and very few people can pull it off without getting hurt. The few that do, have made a profession out of it and are adored by the general public (or at least a few 100 circus patrons).

What Scottsdale girl (or any girl for that matter) doesn't want to be adored by her community? Taming the "bad boy Scottsdale douche bag" is as coveted and elusive as the Quest for the Holy Grail, and validated by both men and women alike. The women are green with envy, and the men respect the mystic creature that can pussy whip the player. Needless to say, it is quite a challenge and few are successful, but by the laws of social economics, there is high demand for that which is hard to attain.

Unfortunately for the nice guy, he's already been caught, groomed, caged, and placed on display in the Nice Guy Zoo for public humiliation. Taming one of these docile creatures is pointless, as it is easy to accomplish, and therefore (back to the social economics) in little demand. It would be like expecting an Olympic Medal for my 9:53:26 mile time. The problem is that deep down, women really do want the nice guy, so then when they finally catch themselves a little douche bag, and he remains a true to form, they're less than thrilled. And thus, the bitching and moaning ensues about their asshole boyfriend that they tried so hard to get. I usually try and give some sort of words of wisdom or potential courses of action, but I got nothin’. It really is quite a problem, but I don't really foresee a resolution. I think the only reason this hasn't threatened the institute of procreation is because both men and women eventually give up and settle for whomever they happen to be with at that moment. I used to think the "settle point" was somewhere around 30, but with modern medicine and plastic surgery, it has jumped another 5 years and continues to climb.

So there is no moral to this one. No advice or lesson, just rounding out the rant of a fellow blogger.

The Golden Rule

No, not "I'm lovin' in", that's the Golden Arches, I'm referring to "treat others as you would like to be treated." For some people this may be filed away in their memory somewhere between having their mouth washed out with soap and being forced eating cold lima beans at the dinner table, but as much as I hate to admit it, mom was right. Don't get me wrong, everyone deserves a swift kick to the babymaker every once in a while, but even then, what does it accomplish? Reproducive damage for the recipient, and a soiled (if not infected) pair of perfectly good shoes for you. Neither worthwhile accomplishments. I advocate "Be the bigger person", "Kill 'em with kindness" and my personal favorite "Don't Worry, Be Happy". Yes I realize it's corny, and yes I know it's from the 80's Bobby McFerrin hit, but I like it. And here's why. Have you ever tried to have a fight with someone who's in a really good mood? Infuriating! If you are happy and agreeable and nice the majority of the time, you win by default. To the people you want to be nice to...enough said. And to the people you don't want to be nice to, the very action of being nice will piss them off even more, and thus accomplishing your original goal. Being the naive optimist that I am, I would like to think that by following the Golden Rule, the people around you will magically adopt it, but come on people, I said naive, not stupid. It would be nice to get what you give, but that is not the point here, the point is you shouldn't do things or act a certain way for other people. You should do and act for yourself. So if someone tells you "you have a phat place" say "thank you". And if someone tells you "you have a fat face" say "thank you". It's only a put down if you let it be. And in reality, people who follow the golden rule are generally giving people and are lucky if they get a tenth of what they give, back. It's ok, they're use to it, they've developed coping mechanisms, like blogging :)

Ok, I'll get off the uppers, this one's even a little sappy for me. Bottom Line...Don't be a Douche Bag, k? thx. Now who wants some McNuggets?

It's all fun and games till you go and make things exclusive.

Exclusivity is the kiss of death in a relationship, at least when sex is involved. If you really care for the other person and enjoy spending time with them, then keep things in the "talking", "seeing each other", "hanging out" categories at all costs. And it's not as easy as it sounds, without fail, your partner will try and convince you otherwise. But hold strong, it's what's best for both of you.

In reality, whether or not either party is seeing other people is completely irrelevant. It's the social stigma that has been imposed by centuries of so called "monogamous" households being advertised as the ideal way of life that sparks problems. See, we've all been brainwashed to think that exclusivity equals marriage. Ok, maybe not all of us, but definitely the females, and a handful of you boys too. Unfortunately, marriage comes with significantly more responsibilities than keeping your pants on. All of a sudden there are these radical expectations of people who had no intention of making such commitments. Time expectations, communication expectations, tone of voice expectations, you get my point. Most people aren't willing or able to meet such demands, if they were, they would be married. It becomes a full-time job to try and maintain this "exclusivity" that you forget to enjoy the very person that inspired you to elevate your relationship. Don't elevate. Stay down here on solid ground with the rest of us who have made this realization. Naturally one or both of you will fall short, and, GAME OVER. It's an admirable gesture, but you're just not ready for it. Hell, it's remarkable that some of the people attempting such complex social interactions can even tie their shoe (and sometimes can't even do that so they wear Vans slip-ons). This type of interpersonal gymnastics should really be left to professionals.

So if you meet someone who truly amazes you, keep it casual. If they feel the same way, then they'll have no desire to see anyone else. You don't need the confines of exclusivity to know that the other person cares for you...in fact, you don't want it.

In next weeks edition, leveraging exclusivity as a "nice guy" break up technique...stay tuned.

Can we shut the door on this yet?

Grocery List:

- Paper Towels
- Diet Coke
- Vodka
- Closure...

Ah, if only it were that simple. I had always been under the assumption that closure (eventually) always followed a break up. That the two kinda went hand in hand, like cause and effect, logic and reason, peanut butter and jelly… I come to find out this is not the case and far less tasty. I have been taking advantage of asking a question, and actually getting an answer. I have a thirst for knowledge and I’m not shy about it. Yes, I was that little girl who asked why to the point of frustration, but how are you ever supposed to learn anything if you don't ask, analyze, observe, etc.? Which brings me back to my current dilemma. What do you do when you ask, but get no response. None. Nothing. I made a simple inquiry in an effort to learn from my mistakes, and get nothing in return. I'm not looking for a detailed explanation, just an answer. Any answer. Good, bad, doesn't really have to be an answer at all. Just an acknowledgment of the fact that there is a pending request for information out there in the universe that is unsatisfied. Really, the universe is unbalanced right now and I fear for us all. But that is beside the point. When did it become acceptable to cutoff all forms of communication without any notice or reason for that matter? Other than death, I see no valid excuse. I thought it was in the unwritten rules of relationships that if two people enter into an agreement to not "do business" with anyone else, that to void that contract there needs to be some form of notification to the other party. Nothing fancy, a simple "go fuck yourself" will suffice. Granted, not my first choice, but better than nothing at all. Perhaps my analytical thinking skills have become my Achilles Heal, but I can't seem to let something go unless I have the ever so elusive "closure". I enjoy wading in the swaps of uncertainty about as much getting punched in the throat, and naturally avoid it at all costs. Unfortunately, I’m also blessed with an aptitude for creativity, so while the right side of my brain is trying to figure out why I still haven't gotten a response, the left side is conjuring up outlandish possibilities. It's really quite amazing (and a little scary) what the human brain can come up with when left to its own devices. Anyway, my point is, whether you're the wronged or the wrong doer, have enough common decency to let the other person know that you would no longer like to continue social communication so you can both use your brains (and bodies…a girls got needs) to more productive efforts. And no, silence is not an acceptable form of rejection, I need mine hand delivered, so the universe will be back in balance, and so I can get closure.